Mojo
2003-11-28 20:24:17 UTC
"Midnight in Tijuana"
"Loved Ones, Lies, and Dumbasses"
"The grandmother of all lies" (obvious)
"Baghdad Jonny and the search for the MBIs"
Jeff: "Burton said it best. It's not about trust anymore. It's about
Mutually Beneficial Interests."
Note: this episode was only 39 minutes long. Trend? And, even though the
person voted off should have, by my reasoning, left last week, at least
Drake is more or less sticking to their anti-Morgan strategy. Or maybe
now they're in a we-need-Burton-to-catch-fish strategy. Hard to say.
Jon: "I though tonight's Tribal Council was probably one of my proudest
moments in this game." Yeah, right up there with being drunk at a
previous TC, hitting on Darrah during a Reward Challenge, your UPN
wrestling slogans, and your crying and whining at the drop of a coconut.
Asshole.
Jon, referring to the missing fish: "That was the most idiotic, childish
thing I've seen since this game has begun." Yeah, but that's only
because you don't have a mirror.
On the seventh day of Survivor, Mark Burnett gave to me...
Seven boring contestants,
Six rotting fishes,
Five clueless jurors!
Four Drakes a'dumbass,
Three Morgan whiners,
Two evil Outcasts,
And one lying son of a bitch.
Christa: "I can't believe Rupert got voted off tonight. Maybe I've been
too cocky all along, thinking I know what's going on." Yeah, especially
when your so-called alliance partner's vote was the one that sealed
Rupert's fate. Maybe next time you'd better make damn sure you and
Sandra are on the same page before you vote? Maybe now, with your big
wall o' Rupert gone, you'll start _playing_ the game? Before it plays
you?
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Sandra, to Lying Bastard Jon, and the whole group: "You are a lying son
of a bitch. You cannot be trusted. You are a liar. I hope these three
ladies turn on your ass, 'cause you cannot be trusted. You are a lying
bastard." Note: she's saying all of this just after knocking over the
bucket of fish that Rupert caught earlier that day. Sandra doesn't want
the others enjoying the fruit of Rupert's Herculean labors. Further
note: the only time we see anyone eating fish this week is when Jon and
his deviant homosexual fornicating Loved One are left alone for a day at
Drake. I'd say that I hope they choke on it, but I suspect they are both
used to inserting long, clammy objects into each other's mouths.
Burton: "Who threw the fish out?" Sandra? Noooo, because she's too busy
yelling and complaining. Note: Sandra understands American politics.
Whenever a politician or political party is guilty of something, look to
them to scream loudest and longest, and try to deflect attention by
complaining about something else while assigning blame to others. Sorta
like when the Fox News Channel screams on and on about being "fair and
balanced", when anyone with a brain can clearly see they are anything
but. Both Fox News and Jon share a similar definition of "fair".
Burton: "Christa, you did it." Yeah, there ya go, Burton. No proof
whatsoever, and you immediately accuse both remaining Drake women. Both
remaining members of Rupert's alliance. Both of whom you can't wait to
vote off. Yeah, like you haven't had it in for Christa from Day One.
S'matter, she turn you down before puppy dog Michelle latched on to your
leg? Oh wait, that doesn't matter, 'cause you're obviously gay. 31, San
Francisco, single, well-groomed, great with a blow gun and other long,
cylindrical objects, would rather play with guys, can't find a Loved One
other than your grandmother to fly in to save your butt...need I go on?
You know you listed "Maxim" and "Stuff" in your Favorites just to throw
people off. I mean, you actually _like_ "O'Reilly" and Schwarzenegger?
Definitely gay. And you're a marketing executive, which makes you Evil
beyond redemption. Have a nice day.
Poor Christa. She just lost her security blanket, and now this. And
she's just not the type of person to try and falsely accuse someone else
just to save herself. Which means, of course, that anyone wanting to
find someone to help them get to an F3 or even an F2 situation may want
to make an alliance with Christa. So, the situation may yet work to her
advantage.
Lill: "I think she [Christa] did it." And you're basing that opinion
on..what? Burton's biased ravings? Sandra's denials? What, did your
scouting skills allow you to carefully track the fish-dumper's
footprints back to Christa? Was there an acute fish smell on Christa's
fingernails? Long blonde hairs on the fish? Did the hermit crabs who
found the fish during the night come and whisper in your ear? Should we
now refer to you as Aquawoman, Queen of the Seven Dumbasses? Lillian, if
you've got any proof, or even a decent working hypothesis as to why
Christa and not anyone else, please, elucidate. Otherwise, get off your
damn horse.
Sandra: "They never pointed the finger at me." Well, why should Burton
think you were upset about Rupert getting voted off? You helped send him
home!
Reward Challenge: what, you call _this_ a reward? Colby and Momma
spending the night together again? Do we really want to see that? And
why now? It's what, Day 28? As in, 11 Days left? These people can't go a
week without seeing their Loved Ones? I find the timing suspect. Maybe
if the reward had been slightly altered, say, seeing a Loved One versus
having a nice meal (to be determined by the others, 'natch), or seeing a
Loved One versus winning a new car (remember when "Survivor" gave away
cars?), that might have made it more interesting. But spending the night
with Mom or some guy from high school you're not even dating is just not
interesting television.
Jon: "I can't wait to see two people in particular go into the ocean.
Christa and Sandra."
Jeff: "Sandra, here's your husband Marcus."
Sandra: "Marcus, go over and beat up this lying weasel who wants me
walking a plank. Beat him up good."
Jeff: "Christa, here's your fiance and soon-to-be husband, Pete."
Christa: "Pete, go help Marcus."
Jeff: "Burton, here's your mother, Dee Dee."
Dee Dee: "Burton, have you been a good boy? Eating all your vegetables?
Leaving that lying rat bastard weasel's hershey highway alone?"
Burton: "Mommmmmm..."
Jeff: "Jon, here's your buddy, Dan."
Jeff: "Yo, Dan! You step any lighter in those loafers and you'll float
away! Better hold on to the rope for support, ya freak. Jon, _this_ is
your 'Loved One'? Amazing that you're still single. Or, perhaps you
aren't."
Ok, folks, here's where it occurs. This is the moment that changes
"Survivor" forever. Forget your Twists, your False Merges, your
Outcasts. This is it: having a "Loved One" spread a deliberate lie
during a challenge. The only saving grace here is that the reward
"earned" through the lie isn't something substantial, like, say, a
chocolate bar or Immunity. But this tactic has been introduced, and that
genie is out for ever. From now on, anything a Loved One says at a
challenge, or writes in a letter or says in a video, can and must be
viewed with skepticism by the other players. Grandma only lives twice.
Jon: "Oh dude! How's grandma? How's grandma?"
Thunder D (and no, I don't want to know how he got _that_ name): "The
owls are not what they appear."
Jon: "Dude, I said 'How's grandma'! You know, grandma?"
Thunder D: "Agent Prufrock says Morgan's treasure is still buried."
Jon: "DUDE! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL ME 'HOW'S GRANDMA'?!?"
Thunder D: "Jon, I'm very cross with you. Did you know you left the
toilet seat up before you left? And where did you learn to sort laundry?
I'm still trying to get all your puce away from the mauve."
Jon, fuming: "Ok, one last time. Dude, how's grandma?"
Thunder D: "She died, dude."
Jon: "Dude?"
Thunder D: "Dude."
Jon: "Dude."
Thunder D: "Did you get the letter?" Translation: they had this
well-planned. They had a letter ready to go, and I'm sure they made a
video as well. Jon shakes his head. Jeff stands by, non-chalant,
uncaring. If he knows the truth at this point, he does an admirable job
of self-restraint.
Jeff: "Jon, you went from really happy to really sad."
Jon: "It was either going to be my buddy or my grandmother, coming. And,
uh, my grandmother's not here for a reason." Umm, yeah, like she's too
old to fly to Panama just to spend two minutes with you? You're what,
29, Jon? That would make "grandmother", what? 70? 75? 80? And we're
supposed to believe you were going to make her, healthy or not, come all
this way?
Why, oh why, did no one question him on this?
Jeff: "What happened?" Jeff couldn't care less; his body language gives
it away. Why isn't anyone there picking up on it?
Jon: "She's...she's not around." Well, of course she isn't. She's, as
you'll say later, home watching Springer. Or, more likely, she's
hometaping her latest appearance on "Cops".
Jeff: "Sorry for that news." Oh, come on. "I'm sure everyone here is
sorry."
Jon: "I don't know. I could hope to win this and get some more
information."
Commercial. dun dun DDDUUUNNNNNNNnnnnnnnn.
Ok, a couple of notes: first, Jon never actually told a lie. He left
that up to Twinkletoes. He _participated_ in a deception, true, for all
the good it'll do him, but he didn't say the words. Second, Jon wisely
chose to sit next to Lill. Lill believes anything anyone tells her. I
suppose you could say her compassion supercedes her judgement, or you
could just call her a complete and utter dumbass. Hasn't anyone there
told her about Jon thinking himself The Puppet Master? Wasn't Lill
listening when Sandra chewed Jon out the night before, about all his
deceptions and manipulations?
Okay, yeah, you're right: there is no other word for it. Dumbass!
Anyway, notice how it's Lill, and not Jon, who helps the lie along by
repeating it to the group as the challenge progresses. Jon doesn't need
to do a damn thing at this point but sit back and win a night of hot
anal sex with his homosexual co-fornicator. Jonny Fairplay gonn' be
Jonny Foreplay tonight!
Lill, to Sandra: "His grandmother just died." Yup, you're really using
your brain this week.
The questions are all rather standard, but a few of the answers are
interesting. Burton's nickname is "Burton" (hey, he's not an O'Reilly
fan for nothing, ya know!) Darrah prefers "meat and potatoes" (wow, what
stunning imagination), while her boyfriend thinks she likes "cornbread
and milk" best. Oh yeah, that's one doomed relationship. I hope you're
taking notes, Ryno. You may still have a shot.) Both Burton and Jon
prefer "steak", and I'm going to refrain from drawing any parallels
between gay men and their meat preferences until I see the stats.
Christa's dream job is "housewife and mother" (awww), while Pete thinks
she wants to be a "tourist" (professional tourist?) Darrah wants to be a
model, while her boyfriend says "nurse" (doomed, I say, doomed!)
Darrah: "We're gonna have to talk when we get home." No kidding.
Next question: what is the one personality trait that could cost your
Survivor to lose this game? Jon's homosexual bed buddy writes "attitude
and mouth", but I swear it looks like he wrote "lying" and erased it.
Lill wrote "kindness", while her husband wrote "over sympathetic".
Again, no kidding. And that may cost a few others their torches, as
well. There must be some questions that were asked but not shown,
because as Lill's husband turns around at one point, his board reads
"father's death", which I don't think is a personality trait or favorite
food.
For the record, Burton lets Jon claim his "reward", noting "it's the
worst day of his life." The others signal their agreement, dumbasses
all. Jon then hugs Tijuana and Darrah. Probably the first time he's
hugged a woman in years. Jon then races over to hug his soulmate,
Twinkletoes. Burton, you maroon. You ignoranimous.
Burton: "Jon's lost about thirty pounds, so take it easy on him."
Twinkletoes D: "I thought he gained ten." See? Conclusive proof. Only an
intimate lover would make such a remark.
Sooo, Jon and his lover get to bask in the glory of a private night at
Camp Balboa (god, I'll bet it's not even a month before a gay porn dvd
of this is released..."Jonny Foreplay and his Thunderous Glory Hole"),
while Burton and His Beauties get dumped on an Island With No Name. No
phone, no lights, no motor car, not a single luxury! It's Robinson
Crusoe, as primitive as can be!
Pssst, hey, Burton? Hey, now's your chance to show everyone what a
He-Man provider you are. Five starving women, a desert island, and you
with your big ol' machete and a few matches. I just hope you don't
experience any, umm,...performance anxiety, y'know?
Mighty Hunter Burton displays his skills by sneaking up on a moldy old
coconut and hacking it with his machete. Gee, I hope those matches taste
good tonight.
Sandra: "Home sweet home." Yeesh, I'm skipping dinner at your house.
Lill: "I've gotten to know Jon. He hurts just as much as anyone. My
husband has to understand that... this is what we had to do. For him to
have some time to talk over his grandmother's death."
Meanwhile...
Jon: "That was a brilliant performance, sir! Now come, give daddy a
kiss."
Twinkletoes D: "Thank you! Don't mind if I do."
Jon: "Did you like mine?"
Twinkletoes D: "I'll like yours a whole lot better tonight after I've
painted you to look like a snake and greased up your backside with fish
oil."
Jon: "Well now, aren't you in luck? I've been saving up coconut husks
under my secret bush, and I've knitted you a Burton wig and beard. Oh
yeah, mama's gonna get some lovin' tonight!"
Jon: "My grandmother's sitting home, watching Jerry Springer right now."
Yup, it's always Springer Time back home in the ancestral Dalton
doublewide palacial mansion.
Jon: "Okay, here's my camp. There's my flag, with my name right in the
center."
Twinkletoes D: "The snake."
Jon: "And here's the bucket of fish I caught. Over there's all the items
I looted from Morgan. Back behind the shrine they built in my honor is
the treasure chest I found in the rain while everyone else was asleep.
See those buckets there? That's all the leftover food I bought on the
first day, after I sold Morgan's raft and two of their tribe to local
cannibals. And here's the beach where I taught everyone how to swim and
fish."
Twinkletoes D: "Oh, Jon, you're such a god."
Jon: "Here, let's drink all their water and grill a nice, big fish I
caught yesterday."
Twinkletoes D: "Ooo, did you use your spear?"
Jon: "Oh, yeah. I'll spear you, baby."
Strangely enough, Mark Burnett couldn't find any footage from that night
to air on CBS at 8:30p. Thank you, Mark. Thank you.
Day 29, 10 days left, back to the ol' scheming and plotting... the
stranded players return to Balboa, Jon has a tearful farewell with his
homosexual crime partner, and...no one asks about Jon's dearly departed
grandmother. Wtf? Didn't we just sit through you all telling us how much
you felt for Jon, and how you let him win Reward so he could get more
information? Aren't you all the least bit curious as to what Dan told
Jon? Why is no one bringing this up?
Sandra thinks Tijuana could go either way (that's _not_ what I mean. Get
yer mind outta the gutter.) Of course, this far into the game, if your
alliances aren't all lined up? And people aren't sure which way you'll
vote? Watch out, because you've got a target on your back. Especially if
the only assets keeping you around are that bigger targets were in the
way before. Anyone can gather wood, fetch water, keep the fire going.
How are you at fishing and hunting? Who is beholden to you in alliances?
Who, besides Darrah, has got your back? Why should anyone vote to keep
you around, after you've shown how easily you can be swayed? Jon was
dead on when he said you'll never go wrong, counting on the greed factor
out here, especially with two desperate Morgan women.
So, Sandra points out to Tijuana that, if they don't band together now,
Burton and Jon will pick them off one by one. They want Christa gone
because she's the strongest woman. Then Tijuana, because they don't care
about Darrah. (Hmmm...is that a clue, MB?? Will flying completely under
the radar win it all this time?) And it's a sound strategy, provided you
are prepared to deal with the food issue for nine days. (Which, as it
turns out, Sandra and Christa aren't. Or maybe they just traded one
security blanket for another.)
Another clue for future Survivors: when you want to sneak off and have a
strategy session with your alliance partner, don't do it at night. It's
much easier to see when others are lurking nearby, listening to your
conversation, during the daytime. (Btw, thank you, MB, for adding
additional night time cameras. No more off-camera Ted/Ghandia sexual
hijinks on this show, nosiree!)
Immunity Challenge: Where's the damn SpellCheck button, Jeff?
Jeff: "You will use the letters from these words [survivor pearl
islands] to form twenty new words."
Christa: "Jeff, that's not fair. We need a word with an 'm' and a 'b' so
I can spell 'dumbass'."
Jeff: "No profanity allowed. You are also not allowed to spell out 'Jon
is a liar', 'vote Jon off now', 'all America hates Jon', or 'die Jon
die'. Got it?"
Oh, I just realized something. Now I know where I've seen Darrah before!
She's Nova from "Planet of the Apes". Just thought I'd throw that in...
Here's a word list (not _the_ word list, since I don't know if these are
the only possible words and I suck at games like this): and, pad, pan,
lead, pea, pear, purse, prose, slaved, dip, leap, rind, pal, live, sand,
darn, loan, liver, lover, raise, sail, land, aisle, node, praise, sandal
(not 'sandle', which Jon blew), noise, visual, nail, rose, sad, red,
spited, snared, paired, plural, pelvis, saver, rendar or lendar (the one
Christa got wrong), pirate, loved, reason, season, survive, railed,
revival, roll, deal, love, learn, plaid, plain, plead, savior, vision,
person, navel, naval, savor, liaison (which Burton blew by leaving off
the second 'i'), round, sundae, spread, slave, slain, lasso, versus,
virile, driven, driver, assure, surreal, devious, vanilla, proud,
devour, soldier, solder. Yeesh.
What? Jeff blew it? They have to go to Sudden Death, with "outwit
outplay outlast" as the new words? And they have to make words of four
letters or more? In only a minute? Aww, screw you, Probst. I'm not doing
this again. Where's my check?
Jeff: "For the first time, a woman will be wearing Immunity." Immunity,
the fresh new fragrance by The Tiffany Network. Now available at
WalMart.
Nova wins Immunity. She smiles, mute.
Tijuana, suddenly feeling all empowered and invincible and stuff,
confers with Darrah: first Burton, then Christa. Sandra, feeling all
empowered and vindictive and stuff, confers with Christa: first Burton,
then Plan Number Two.
Sandra: "The plan is for Burton to be crushed tonight. Just like Rupert
was crushed, he'll be crushed."
Christa: "Right."
Meanwhile, we get shots of Burton loading up his spear to go fishing.
Fishing. Catching food to feed a hungry tribe. Which, by the way, no one
else seems to be doing. Ladies, are you watching?
Jon: "I understand the decision, but I, you know, I would prefer Christa
[go], but I understand why."
Tijuana: "Right. And because we have majority you have to go with the
majority or else your butt's on the line. Ha ha ha. All right, cool."
Wow, look who suddenly became Ms. Amazonian FullOfHerself, flaunting
_her_ power openly in front of Jon. And she didn't even win Immunity.
Bad, bad move. Don't think Jon won't immediately rush to his Drake
compatriots and tell them exactly what you just said.
Bye, Tijuana. You were lovely and graceful, spirited and beautiful,
right up to the moment you got greedy and egomaniacal and became a
complete dumbass. Enjoy your parting gifts.
Tribal Council. Sandra relates the missing fish story, minus her, umm,
pivotal role. "We were all hungry, and wanted to eat Rupert's fish, but
nobody ate jack."
Rupert rolls his eyes.
Jeff moves on to a discussion about the Reward Challenge. Suddenly,
Jonny Foreplay's slimeball smile is replaced by a look of apprehension!
Will Jeff reveal his lying ways? Jeff nonchalantly asks about seeing the
Loved Ones.
Jeff: "Then Jon shares some information with us that, lo and behold, his
grandmother's passed away." "Did you get the information you wanted?"
Jon: "Yeah, definitely one of the saddest days of my entire life. But I
have to say, ahh, it r-r-really meant a lot to me for everyone t-tuh
c-come together like that f-for me and and, uhh, I'll never be able to
thank them enough for that." Jon's eyes dart back and forth as he
speaks. Jon's technique needs a little work.
Jeff: "Jon, are you willing to betray anybody in this game to get what
you want?"
Jon: "Several days ago, yes. At this point, I don't think so." Riiight.
Well, at least people not named Sandra can feel free to chew out Jon
back at camp now.
Here's how the voting went:
Sandra (votes Tijuana): "You came to our tribe and you tried to delegate
what we were going to do and how we were going to do it. Frankly, we're
sick and tired of you. By the way, happy birthday. Take care, goodbye,
adios."
Darrah (votes Burton): "Burton, I'm voting for you only because you're
the biggest threat we have right now and this is the only chance that
you won't win immunity. Thanks for being a friend and being respectful
to T and I for bringing us into the alliance with you."
Christa (votes Tijuana): "You're very rude, disrespectful; you like to
order people around. And I just don't want you around anymore." Well,
I'm sure she'd say the same about you, except that you're being edited
differently.
Burton (votes Tijuana): "T, I know it's your birthday tomorrow and I
don't think one of us is going to be here to see it. But I have some
advice for you a day early. Never assume you are in control of a
situation until you're 100 percent assured."
Lillian (votes Tyuana): "Tijuana, it's a little bit of payback time.
You didn't think anything about getting rid of me. You broke our
alliance with some wonderful people. They brought you in and saved you.
And now you want to get rid of our main source of food, Burton. I say
no. I'm here to protect Burton. I think it's time for you to go."
Tijuana (votes Burton): "Burton, this vote is for you, not because
you're not a good person. You're not only a good person, you're a hard
worker around camp. You raise our spirits and we appreciate everything
you've done. So it's nothing against you personally. It's merely the
fact that you are the strongest player here mentally and physically. On
top of that, as you know, I heard Jon and you talking. And you had a lot
of differences from what you were telling us, versus what you told Jon.
And it just contradicts our alliance. So that's why this vote is for
you, but again, good blessings to you. I hope that in the end when this
is all over we'll be friends."
Homosexual Foreplay (votes Tijuana): "Say your prayers. Take your
vitamins and (you will never go wrong)." Whatever.
Aww geez, six left and those two stupid Outcasts are _still_ around!?!
They're practically guaranteed to make the Final Four! Oh well. I really
don't care who wins at this point, because, once again, it'll be some
untalented, mediocre schemer who didn't excel at anything except
avoiding placing a bullseye on their back. Yay us.
Jeff: "Burton said it best. It's not about trust anymore. It's about
Mutually Beneficial Interests."
Next week: Thursday! Club Med! Girls versus guys! Burton refuses to
commit to Lill! And the latest commercial clearly points to Jon getting
voted off! Oh, Santa, please. I'll be extra good, I swear...
mojo
"Loved Ones, Lies, and Dumbasses"
"The grandmother of all lies" (obvious)
"Baghdad Jonny and the search for the MBIs"
Jeff: "Burton said it best. It's not about trust anymore. It's about
Mutually Beneficial Interests."
Note: this episode was only 39 minutes long. Trend? And, even though the
person voted off should have, by my reasoning, left last week, at least
Drake is more or less sticking to their anti-Morgan strategy. Or maybe
now they're in a we-need-Burton-to-catch-fish strategy. Hard to say.
Jon: "I though tonight's Tribal Council was probably one of my proudest
moments in this game." Yeah, right up there with being drunk at a
previous TC, hitting on Darrah during a Reward Challenge, your UPN
wrestling slogans, and your crying and whining at the drop of a coconut.
Asshole.
Jon, referring to the missing fish: "That was the most idiotic, childish
thing I've seen since this game has begun." Yeah, but that's only
because you don't have a mirror.
On the seventh day of Survivor, Mark Burnett gave to me...
Seven boring contestants,
Six rotting fishes,
Five clueless jurors!
Four Drakes a'dumbass,
Three Morgan whiners,
Two evil Outcasts,
And one lying son of a bitch.
Christa: "I can't believe Rupert got voted off tonight. Maybe I've been
too cocky all along, thinking I know what's going on." Yeah, especially
when your so-called alliance partner's vote was the one that sealed
Rupert's fate. Maybe next time you'd better make damn sure you and
Sandra are on the same page before you vote? Maybe now, with your big
wall o' Rupert gone, you'll start _playing_ the game? Before it plays
you?
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Sandra, to Lying Bastard Jon, and the whole group: "You are a lying son
of a bitch. You cannot be trusted. You are a liar. I hope these three
ladies turn on your ass, 'cause you cannot be trusted. You are a lying
bastard." Note: she's saying all of this just after knocking over the
bucket of fish that Rupert caught earlier that day. Sandra doesn't want
the others enjoying the fruit of Rupert's Herculean labors. Further
note: the only time we see anyone eating fish this week is when Jon and
his deviant homosexual fornicating Loved One are left alone for a day at
Drake. I'd say that I hope they choke on it, but I suspect they are both
used to inserting long, clammy objects into each other's mouths.
Burton: "Who threw the fish out?" Sandra? Noooo, because she's too busy
yelling and complaining. Note: Sandra understands American politics.
Whenever a politician or political party is guilty of something, look to
them to scream loudest and longest, and try to deflect attention by
complaining about something else while assigning blame to others. Sorta
like when the Fox News Channel screams on and on about being "fair and
balanced", when anyone with a brain can clearly see they are anything
but. Both Fox News and Jon share a similar definition of "fair".
Burton: "Christa, you did it." Yeah, there ya go, Burton. No proof
whatsoever, and you immediately accuse both remaining Drake women. Both
remaining members of Rupert's alliance. Both of whom you can't wait to
vote off. Yeah, like you haven't had it in for Christa from Day One.
S'matter, she turn you down before puppy dog Michelle latched on to your
leg? Oh wait, that doesn't matter, 'cause you're obviously gay. 31, San
Francisco, single, well-groomed, great with a blow gun and other long,
cylindrical objects, would rather play with guys, can't find a Loved One
other than your grandmother to fly in to save your butt...need I go on?
You know you listed "Maxim" and "Stuff" in your Favorites just to throw
people off. I mean, you actually _like_ "O'Reilly" and Schwarzenegger?
Definitely gay. And you're a marketing executive, which makes you Evil
beyond redemption. Have a nice day.
Poor Christa. She just lost her security blanket, and now this. And
she's just not the type of person to try and falsely accuse someone else
just to save herself. Which means, of course, that anyone wanting to
find someone to help them get to an F3 or even an F2 situation may want
to make an alliance with Christa. So, the situation may yet work to her
advantage.
Lill: "I think she [Christa] did it." And you're basing that opinion
on..what? Burton's biased ravings? Sandra's denials? What, did your
scouting skills allow you to carefully track the fish-dumper's
footprints back to Christa? Was there an acute fish smell on Christa's
fingernails? Long blonde hairs on the fish? Did the hermit crabs who
found the fish during the night come and whisper in your ear? Should we
now refer to you as Aquawoman, Queen of the Seven Dumbasses? Lillian, if
you've got any proof, or even a decent working hypothesis as to why
Christa and not anyone else, please, elucidate. Otherwise, get off your
damn horse.
Sandra: "They never pointed the finger at me." Well, why should Burton
think you were upset about Rupert getting voted off? You helped send him
home!
Reward Challenge: what, you call _this_ a reward? Colby and Momma
spending the night together again? Do we really want to see that? And
why now? It's what, Day 28? As in, 11 Days left? These people can't go a
week without seeing their Loved Ones? I find the timing suspect. Maybe
if the reward had been slightly altered, say, seeing a Loved One versus
having a nice meal (to be determined by the others, 'natch), or seeing a
Loved One versus winning a new car (remember when "Survivor" gave away
cars?), that might have made it more interesting. But spending the night
with Mom or some guy from high school you're not even dating is just not
interesting television.
Jon: "I can't wait to see two people in particular go into the ocean.
Christa and Sandra."
Jeff: "Sandra, here's your husband Marcus."
Sandra: "Marcus, go over and beat up this lying weasel who wants me
walking a plank. Beat him up good."
Jeff: "Christa, here's your fiance and soon-to-be husband, Pete."
Christa: "Pete, go help Marcus."
Jeff: "Burton, here's your mother, Dee Dee."
Dee Dee: "Burton, have you been a good boy? Eating all your vegetables?
Leaving that lying rat bastard weasel's hershey highway alone?"
Burton: "Mommmmmm..."
Jeff: "Jon, here's your buddy, Dan."
Jeff: "Yo, Dan! You step any lighter in those loafers and you'll float
away! Better hold on to the rope for support, ya freak. Jon, _this_ is
your 'Loved One'? Amazing that you're still single. Or, perhaps you
aren't."
Ok, folks, here's where it occurs. This is the moment that changes
"Survivor" forever. Forget your Twists, your False Merges, your
Outcasts. This is it: having a "Loved One" spread a deliberate lie
during a challenge. The only saving grace here is that the reward
"earned" through the lie isn't something substantial, like, say, a
chocolate bar or Immunity. But this tactic has been introduced, and that
genie is out for ever. From now on, anything a Loved One says at a
challenge, or writes in a letter or says in a video, can and must be
viewed with skepticism by the other players. Grandma only lives twice.
Jon: "Oh dude! How's grandma? How's grandma?"
Thunder D (and no, I don't want to know how he got _that_ name): "The
owls are not what they appear."
Jon: "Dude, I said 'How's grandma'! You know, grandma?"
Thunder D: "Agent Prufrock says Morgan's treasure is still buried."
Jon: "DUDE! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL ME 'HOW'S GRANDMA'?!?"
Thunder D: "Jon, I'm very cross with you. Did you know you left the
toilet seat up before you left? And where did you learn to sort laundry?
I'm still trying to get all your puce away from the mauve."
Jon, fuming: "Ok, one last time. Dude, how's grandma?"
Thunder D: "She died, dude."
Jon: "Dude?"
Thunder D: "Dude."
Jon: "Dude."
Thunder D: "Did you get the letter?" Translation: they had this
well-planned. They had a letter ready to go, and I'm sure they made a
video as well. Jon shakes his head. Jeff stands by, non-chalant,
uncaring. If he knows the truth at this point, he does an admirable job
of self-restraint.
Jeff: "Jon, you went from really happy to really sad."
Jon: "It was either going to be my buddy or my grandmother, coming. And,
uh, my grandmother's not here for a reason." Umm, yeah, like she's too
old to fly to Panama just to spend two minutes with you? You're what,
29, Jon? That would make "grandmother", what? 70? 75? 80? And we're
supposed to believe you were going to make her, healthy or not, come all
this way?
Why, oh why, did no one question him on this?
Jeff: "What happened?" Jeff couldn't care less; his body language gives
it away. Why isn't anyone there picking up on it?
Jon: "She's...she's not around." Well, of course she isn't. She's, as
you'll say later, home watching Springer. Or, more likely, she's
hometaping her latest appearance on "Cops".
Jeff: "Sorry for that news." Oh, come on. "I'm sure everyone here is
sorry."
Jon: "I don't know. I could hope to win this and get some more
information."
Commercial. dun dun DDDUUUNNNNNNNnnnnnnnn.
Ok, a couple of notes: first, Jon never actually told a lie. He left
that up to Twinkletoes. He _participated_ in a deception, true, for all
the good it'll do him, but he didn't say the words. Second, Jon wisely
chose to sit next to Lill. Lill believes anything anyone tells her. I
suppose you could say her compassion supercedes her judgement, or you
could just call her a complete and utter dumbass. Hasn't anyone there
told her about Jon thinking himself The Puppet Master? Wasn't Lill
listening when Sandra chewed Jon out the night before, about all his
deceptions and manipulations?
Okay, yeah, you're right: there is no other word for it. Dumbass!
Anyway, notice how it's Lill, and not Jon, who helps the lie along by
repeating it to the group as the challenge progresses. Jon doesn't need
to do a damn thing at this point but sit back and win a night of hot
anal sex with his homosexual co-fornicator. Jonny Fairplay gonn' be
Jonny Foreplay tonight!
Lill, to Sandra: "His grandmother just died." Yup, you're really using
your brain this week.
The questions are all rather standard, but a few of the answers are
interesting. Burton's nickname is "Burton" (hey, he's not an O'Reilly
fan for nothing, ya know!) Darrah prefers "meat and potatoes" (wow, what
stunning imagination), while her boyfriend thinks she likes "cornbread
and milk" best. Oh yeah, that's one doomed relationship. I hope you're
taking notes, Ryno. You may still have a shot.) Both Burton and Jon
prefer "steak", and I'm going to refrain from drawing any parallels
between gay men and their meat preferences until I see the stats.
Christa's dream job is "housewife and mother" (awww), while Pete thinks
she wants to be a "tourist" (professional tourist?) Darrah wants to be a
model, while her boyfriend says "nurse" (doomed, I say, doomed!)
Darrah: "We're gonna have to talk when we get home." No kidding.
Next question: what is the one personality trait that could cost your
Survivor to lose this game? Jon's homosexual bed buddy writes "attitude
and mouth", but I swear it looks like he wrote "lying" and erased it.
Lill wrote "kindness", while her husband wrote "over sympathetic".
Again, no kidding. And that may cost a few others their torches, as
well. There must be some questions that were asked but not shown,
because as Lill's husband turns around at one point, his board reads
"father's death", which I don't think is a personality trait or favorite
food.
For the record, Burton lets Jon claim his "reward", noting "it's the
worst day of his life." The others signal their agreement, dumbasses
all. Jon then hugs Tijuana and Darrah. Probably the first time he's
hugged a woman in years. Jon then races over to hug his soulmate,
Twinkletoes. Burton, you maroon. You ignoranimous.
Burton: "Jon's lost about thirty pounds, so take it easy on him."
Twinkletoes D: "I thought he gained ten." See? Conclusive proof. Only an
intimate lover would make such a remark.
Sooo, Jon and his lover get to bask in the glory of a private night at
Camp Balboa (god, I'll bet it's not even a month before a gay porn dvd
of this is released..."Jonny Foreplay and his Thunderous Glory Hole"),
while Burton and His Beauties get dumped on an Island With No Name. No
phone, no lights, no motor car, not a single luxury! It's Robinson
Crusoe, as primitive as can be!
Pssst, hey, Burton? Hey, now's your chance to show everyone what a
He-Man provider you are. Five starving women, a desert island, and you
with your big ol' machete and a few matches. I just hope you don't
experience any, umm,...performance anxiety, y'know?
Mighty Hunter Burton displays his skills by sneaking up on a moldy old
coconut and hacking it with his machete. Gee, I hope those matches taste
good tonight.
Sandra: "Home sweet home." Yeesh, I'm skipping dinner at your house.
Lill: "I've gotten to know Jon. He hurts just as much as anyone. My
husband has to understand that... this is what we had to do. For him to
have some time to talk over his grandmother's death."
Meanwhile...
Jon: "That was a brilliant performance, sir! Now come, give daddy a
kiss."
Twinkletoes D: "Thank you! Don't mind if I do."
Jon: "Did you like mine?"
Twinkletoes D: "I'll like yours a whole lot better tonight after I've
painted you to look like a snake and greased up your backside with fish
oil."
Jon: "Well now, aren't you in luck? I've been saving up coconut husks
under my secret bush, and I've knitted you a Burton wig and beard. Oh
yeah, mama's gonna get some lovin' tonight!"
Jon: "My grandmother's sitting home, watching Jerry Springer right now."
Yup, it's always Springer Time back home in the ancestral Dalton
doublewide palacial mansion.
Jon: "Okay, here's my camp. There's my flag, with my name right in the
center."
Twinkletoes D: "The snake."
Jon: "And here's the bucket of fish I caught. Over there's all the items
I looted from Morgan. Back behind the shrine they built in my honor is
the treasure chest I found in the rain while everyone else was asleep.
See those buckets there? That's all the leftover food I bought on the
first day, after I sold Morgan's raft and two of their tribe to local
cannibals. And here's the beach where I taught everyone how to swim and
fish."
Twinkletoes D: "Oh, Jon, you're such a god."
Jon: "Here, let's drink all their water and grill a nice, big fish I
caught yesterday."
Twinkletoes D: "Ooo, did you use your spear?"
Jon: "Oh, yeah. I'll spear you, baby."
Strangely enough, Mark Burnett couldn't find any footage from that night
to air on CBS at 8:30p. Thank you, Mark. Thank you.
Day 29, 10 days left, back to the ol' scheming and plotting... the
stranded players return to Balboa, Jon has a tearful farewell with his
homosexual crime partner, and...no one asks about Jon's dearly departed
grandmother. Wtf? Didn't we just sit through you all telling us how much
you felt for Jon, and how you let him win Reward so he could get more
information? Aren't you all the least bit curious as to what Dan told
Jon? Why is no one bringing this up?
Sandra thinks Tijuana could go either way (that's _not_ what I mean. Get
yer mind outta the gutter.) Of course, this far into the game, if your
alliances aren't all lined up? And people aren't sure which way you'll
vote? Watch out, because you've got a target on your back. Especially if
the only assets keeping you around are that bigger targets were in the
way before. Anyone can gather wood, fetch water, keep the fire going.
How are you at fishing and hunting? Who is beholden to you in alliances?
Who, besides Darrah, has got your back? Why should anyone vote to keep
you around, after you've shown how easily you can be swayed? Jon was
dead on when he said you'll never go wrong, counting on the greed factor
out here, especially with two desperate Morgan women.
So, Sandra points out to Tijuana that, if they don't band together now,
Burton and Jon will pick them off one by one. They want Christa gone
because she's the strongest woman. Then Tijuana, because they don't care
about Darrah. (Hmmm...is that a clue, MB?? Will flying completely under
the radar win it all this time?) And it's a sound strategy, provided you
are prepared to deal with the food issue for nine days. (Which, as it
turns out, Sandra and Christa aren't. Or maybe they just traded one
security blanket for another.)
Another clue for future Survivors: when you want to sneak off and have a
strategy session with your alliance partner, don't do it at night. It's
much easier to see when others are lurking nearby, listening to your
conversation, during the daytime. (Btw, thank you, MB, for adding
additional night time cameras. No more off-camera Ted/Ghandia sexual
hijinks on this show, nosiree!)
Immunity Challenge: Where's the damn SpellCheck button, Jeff?
Jeff: "You will use the letters from these words [survivor pearl
islands] to form twenty new words."
Christa: "Jeff, that's not fair. We need a word with an 'm' and a 'b' so
I can spell 'dumbass'."
Jeff: "No profanity allowed. You are also not allowed to spell out 'Jon
is a liar', 'vote Jon off now', 'all America hates Jon', or 'die Jon
die'. Got it?"
Oh, I just realized something. Now I know where I've seen Darrah before!
She's Nova from "Planet of the Apes". Just thought I'd throw that in...
Here's a word list (not _the_ word list, since I don't know if these are
the only possible words and I suck at games like this): and, pad, pan,
lead, pea, pear, purse, prose, slaved, dip, leap, rind, pal, live, sand,
darn, loan, liver, lover, raise, sail, land, aisle, node, praise, sandal
(not 'sandle', which Jon blew), noise, visual, nail, rose, sad, red,
spited, snared, paired, plural, pelvis, saver, rendar or lendar (the one
Christa got wrong), pirate, loved, reason, season, survive, railed,
revival, roll, deal, love, learn, plaid, plain, plead, savior, vision,
person, navel, naval, savor, liaison (which Burton blew by leaving off
the second 'i'), round, sundae, spread, slave, slain, lasso, versus,
virile, driven, driver, assure, surreal, devious, vanilla, proud,
devour, soldier, solder. Yeesh.
What? Jeff blew it? They have to go to Sudden Death, with "outwit
outplay outlast" as the new words? And they have to make words of four
letters or more? In only a minute? Aww, screw you, Probst. I'm not doing
this again. Where's my check?
Jeff: "For the first time, a woman will be wearing Immunity." Immunity,
the fresh new fragrance by The Tiffany Network. Now available at
WalMart.
Nova wins Immunity. She smiles, mute.
Tijuana, suddenly feeling all empowered and invincible and stuff,
confers with Darrah: first Burton, then Christa. Sandra, feeling all
empowered and vindictive and stuff, confers with Christa: first Burton,
then Plan Number Two.
Sandra: "The plan is for Burton to be crushed tonight. Just like Rupert
was crushed, he'll be crushed."
Christa: "Right."
Meanwhile, we get shots of Burton loading up his spear to go fishing.
Fishing. Catching food to feed a hungry tribe. Which, by the way, no one
else seems to be doing. Ladies, are you watching?
Jon: "I understand the decision, but I, you know, I would prefer Christa
[go], but I understand why."
Tijuana: "Right. And because we have majority you have to go with the
majority or else your butt's on the line. Ha ha ha. All right, cool."
Wow, look who suddenly became Ms. Amazonian FullOfHerself, flaunting
_her_ power openly in front of Jon. And she didn't even win Immunity.
Bad, bad move. Don't think Jon won't immediately rush to his Drake
compatriots and tell them exactly what you just said.
Bye, Tijuana. You were lovely and graceful, spirited and beautiful,
right up to the moment you got greedy and egomaniacal and became a
complete dumbass. Enjoy your parting gifts.
Tribal Council. Sandra relates the missing fish story, minus her, umm,
pivotal role. "We were all hungry, and wanted to eat Rupert's fish, but
nobody ate jack."
Rupert rolls his eyes.
Jeff moves on to a discussion about the Reward Challenge. Suddenly,
Jonny Foreplay's slimeball smile is replaced by a look of apprehension!
Will Jeff reveal his lying ways? Jeff nonchalantly asks about seeing the
Loved Ones.
Jeff: "Then Jon shares some information with us that, lo and behold, his
grandmother's passed away." "Did you get the information you wanted?"
Jon: "Yeah, definitely one of the saddest days of my entire life. But I
have to say, ahh, it r-r-really meant a lot to me for everyone t-tuh
c-come together like that f-for me and and, uhh, I'll never be able to
thank them enough for that." Jon's eyes dart back and forth as he
speaks. Jon's technique needs a little work.
Jeff: "Jon, are you willing to betray anybody in this game to get what
you want?"
Jon: "Several days ago, yes. At this point, I don't think so." Riiight.
Well, at least people not named Sandra can feel free to chew out Jon
back at camp now.
Here's how the voting went:
Sandra (votes Tijuana): "You came to our tribe and you tried to delegate
what we were going to do and how we were going to do it. Frankly, we're
sick and tired of you. By the way, happy birthday. Take care, goodbye,
adios."
Darrah (votes Burton): "Burton, I'm voting for you only because you're
the biggest threat we have right now and this is the only chance that
you won't win immunity. Thanks for being a friend and being respectful
to T and I for bringing us into the alliance with you."
Christa (votes Tijuana): "You're very rude, disrespectful; you like to
order people around. And I just don't want you around anymore." Well,
I'm sure she'd say the same about you, except that you're being edited
differently.
Burton (votes Tijuana): "T, I know it's your birthday tomorrow and I
don't think one of us is going to be here to see it. But I have some
advice for you a day early. Never assume you are in control of a
situation until you're 100 percent assured."
Lillian (votes Tyuana): "Tijuana, it's a little bit of payback time.
You didn't think anything about getting rid of me. You broke our
alliance with some wonderful people. They brought you in and saved you.
And now you want to get rid of our main source of food, Burton. I say
no. I'm here to protect Burton. I think it's time for you to go."
Tijuana (votes Burton): "Burton, this vote is for you, not because
you're not a good person. You're not only a good person, you're a hard
worker around camp. You raise our spirits and we appreciate everything
you've done. So it's nothing against you personally. It's merely the
fact that you are the strongest player here mentally and physically. On
top of that, as you know, I heard Jon and you talking. And you had a lot
of differences from what you were telling us, versus what you told Jon.
And it just contradicts our alliance. So that's why this vote is for
you, but again, good blessings to you. I hope that in the end when this
is all over we'll be friends."
Homosexual Foreplay (votes Tijuana): "Say your prayers. Take your
vitamins and (you will never go wrong)." Whatever.
Aww geez, six left and those two stupid Outcasts are _still_ around!?!
They're practically guaranteed to make the Final Four! Oh well. I really
don't care who wins at this point, because, once again, it'll be some
untalented, mediocre schemer who didn't excel at anything except
avoiding placing a bullseye on their back. Yay us.
Jeff: "Burton said it best. It's not about trust anymore. It's about
Mutually Beneficial Interests."
Next week: Thursday! Club Med! Girls versus guys! Burton refuses to
commit to Lill! And the latest commercial clearly points to Jon getting
voted off! Oh, Santa, please. I'll be extra good, I swear...
mojo